Secret Mojo Dumbs It Down for You

July 14, 2006

Indiana cites “State of Indiana” as potential terror target; won’t reveal its location

Filed under: Humor,Politics,terrorism — secretmojo @ 12:04 am

After much deliberation at Indiana’s Department of Homeland Security, it was decided that, due to the sheer number of terrorist targets within its borders, it would be simpler and more cost-effective to list the entire state as at threat.

“Yeah, we were getting a lot of flack for that eight-thousand figure,” said Indiana Senator Richard Lugar, co-sponsor of the Nunn-Lugar Cooperative Threat Reduction Program. “But fighting terrorism shouldn’t be about partisan politics, so in the interest of the nation, and to decrease the number of threats, I suggested they reduce it to one: all of us.”

The Department will revise ts original figure, which currently lists one terrorist target for every 4.2 square miles in Indiana, to the more palatable figure of one 36,420 square-mile target.

“As the Crossroads of America, Indiana is crucial to the United States,” explained Indiana’s Homeland Security spokesman Pam Bright, “Furthermore, it is an American state, which makes every inch of it a target for terrorists. Besides, I’m fucking paranoid as hell.”

Meeting these three criteria, the State of Indiana will be listed as a “critical American infrastructure” requiring significant counter-terrorism funds.

For national security reasons, however, the location of “Indiana” remains secret.

“We’ve done pretty well keeping it a secret for the past 190 years; I would hate for politically-motivated disclosure to put our state at risk,” explained the Republican Governor of Indiana, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Disclosing our location would not only be harmful to the nation as a whole, but possibly cause calamity to the six million Americans who may—or may not—live in Indiana.”

Whether or not this new trimmed-down figure will be accepted by the National Director of Homeland Security remains to be seen. But the anonymous Governor of Indiana remains realistically confident.

“Come on, we claimed an Amish popcorn store as a terrorist target. Surely the entire State of Indiana is more important than that! … Uh, isn’t it?”

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4 Comments »

  1. I’m a Hoosier, but I still think that is pretty good material. Very funny!

    Comment by kompiled — July 14, 2006 @ 3:01 am | Reply

  2. Ok, the basic idea is not the number of terrorist targets within our borders, and the amish popcorn factory is definitely not on the list for terrorists to attack, it’s the economical crossroads that run our nations economy. What people fail to realize is that, not to be paranoid, but Indiana is surrounded by fields and states in the middle of the nation. We see ourselves as safer because that’s where we are. We have to be able to see that the number one form of transportation for goods is the railroad. The only railroad that goes all the way accross the nation intersects in Elkhart, IN. They bomb that, there are only two ways left to get goods from one side to the other, the biggest is by car. The tollroad is the biggest road that goes from East to West accross the nation (with high weight limits for goods, there are actually two, the other being US 6, which goes from the east coast to the west coast, being the longest and oldest nationwide road in the country). Where does it intersect? In indiana. So they bomb that. The only other way to get goods accross the United States is by plane, and since that’s how terrorists will get the bombs here, they’ll be grounded. They do that and we’re left with 3-4 weeks of nothing happening in America. Our economy drops out the bottom and we go back to bardering with neighbors. If that’s not a believable statement for anyone check your credit card bill. Oh, you have debt. That’s right, unless you are making the laws you have debt. The topic I just brought up leaves us with bigger and better questions then who is highest on the level of terrorist possibilities, not to mention that if there were any terrorists in Indiana they would stand out like a sore thumb considering that over 90% of our population is black or white. The other biggest percent is hispanic and the only reason we make a fuss about that is because we’re too lazy to learn spanish. By the way, has anyone out there come up for a good answer for what a HOOSIER actually is yet? (other then someone from Indiana)

    Comment by Bryan Dickman — September 21, 2006 @ 5:16 am | Reply

  3. basically, they bomb indiana toll road or the railroad, a lot of people are out of jobs and we’re fu****. Yee haw Hoosiers

    Comment by Bryan Dickman — September 21, 2006 @ 5:17 am | Reply

  4. I am an Indiana resident, living in the middle east as a contractor.

    Since we are talking of possiblities, what about the protection of our soil to continue to feed our people and the world.

    Since I am currently living here, I have seen some pretty horrific stuff. We do not want this in our country. But chemicals are everywhere, if our soil became contaminated, would we know immediately? How many people would die before we figured it out?

    I am less scared of bombs, then I am of a chemical war.

    Comment by Cindy — March 15, 2007 @ 6:06 am | Reply


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