Secret Mojo Dumbs It Down for You

July 20, 2006

President Bush Aborts Full Nuclear Strike for Fear of Killing Embryos

Filed under: Humor,Politics — secretmojo @ 11:26 am

Worried that Iran might have the technology to develop, by midnight, a nuclear warhead, an intercontinental ballistic missile to carry it, and a navigation system to guide it, an emergency session of America’s brightest military commanders gathered in the war room at an unspecified location to discuss the pros and cons of launching a full nuclear strike upon Iran.

Some of the pros listed were: “ain’t never seen an explosion that big,” “Iran sucks”, and “hey, can we call it ‘Operation Instant Freedom’?”

Of the cons, which were much fewer in number, were: “gives Gore more reason to bitch about Global Warming,” “isn’t the desert a wasteland anyway?”, and “might cause massive civilian casualties, years of radioactive fallout, and calamity for the entire population of the planet for years to come, which would allow our enemies to make us look bad.”

After a tortuous twenty minutes weighing the issues, Vice President Cheney finally decided to flip a coin on the matter.

“Gambling has always been an enjoyable pastime for me and Laura,” said the President, “so I thought it was a brilliant idea to shake up the normal process of me always deciding things.”

So, with a flip of a fresh quarter, heads landed, and the President signed the order to deploy 10 nuclear missiles onto the most populated cities in Iran.

However, during the “goodbye” period of 30 minutes, where high-access officials get a chance to chat with their families in the rare case something “bad” happens, the President ordered a bologna sandwich, which was delivered by a rather talkative intern named Gary.

According to the President, Gary said, “me and my wife was thinkin’ goin’ in vitro because of the problem, but we don’t want to make embryos and possibly have them shipped off to some foreign country where they’d get auctioned off to the highest bidder for stem cell research.”

“Did you say foreign country?” asked the President.

“Well yeah, like Iran or something like that.”

“You believe Iran has embryos?”

“I suppose. If there are any pregnant women in Iran, there must be embryos. Maybe even fetuses.”

In a flash of insight, and at minute 29, President Bush countermanded his own order, narrowly avoiding a global nuclear holocaust.

“I don’t want to brag, but I saved the world that day with my deductive mind.” said the President. “See, I figured that if we nuked Iran, a whole lot of embryos wouldn’t get a chance at life, especially after their mothers abandoned them by burning up in a ball of sun-hot fire. So I decided, screw the coin flip. We’ll wait for all the fetuses and embryos to be liberated from Iran first, then do the bombing.”

Vice President Cheney was too disgruntled to comment.

Though he did show us the double-headed quarter he used to make the decision.



  1. You’re kidding, right? Good god, I hope you’re kidding. It honestly sounds almost plausible. What a sad, sad day we have reached.

    Comment by Emily — July 23, 2006 @ 9:56 pm | Reply

  2. Funny you should ask, because just recently I was thinking I should start running a disclaimer before my satirical posts to prevent them from sounding real when translated to the brain. It is a strange world, indeed.

    Comment by secretmojo — July 24, 2006 @ 8:01 am | Reply

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