Secret Mojo Dumbs It Down for You

July 23, 2006

Rice pursues “Natural Birth” policy in Mideast

Filed under: Humor,Israel/Lebanon,News,Politics — secretmojo @ 10:05 am

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice landed in Israel today after a hasty two weeks of planning to address the escalating violence in the Middle East, which she calls “The Mideast Birthing Project.”

“It was great just to finally land here, to get see all the wonderful work that has been done,” she said aboard her plane. “I know I talked about birthing pangs earlier. But to witness firsthand the miracle of life is something else.”

After a two-week-long layover in Washington, Rice quickly scheduled a 13-stop flight for the Mideast, promising to arrive in Lebanon by way of Bangkok sometime in 2010. “We certainly are thinking long-term here,” she advised, “which is why I plan to do nothing about it until it’s too late.”

Part of the president’s bold “Natural Birth” policy, Secretary Rice will call upon Hezbollah and Israel to “never cease firing,” promising that if they do cease fire, the United States will be forced to call for a persistent-fire resolution at the UN security council.

In addition, she intends to pressure Israel to not only allow her a press conference, but to provide her with a list of hotels where she can stay. “We certainly cannot ignore Israel’s responsibility to keep civilians like me comfortable,” she said. “In dangerous wars like these, it’s important to keep focus on my humanitarian needs.”

Rice also plans to visit Saudi Arabia to speak about Syria, Rome to talk about Lebanon, and Cyprus to speak on Iran. When she reaches Lebanon in 2010, she promises to readdress Rome, after which she’ll take a trip to Iran for a seminar about Washington, D.C.

“The Middle East problem can only be solved by enduring the problem itself,” she said as she left the airport. “It’s like lamaze: you try to comfort the mother to accept the pain, until she finally gives birth to a freedom baby that coos and smiles at daddy America… Actually, I have no friggin clue why I’m here. I’m just glad my suits didn’t get lost in transit.”

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