Secret Mojo Dumbs It Down for You

August 3, 2006

‘Freedom Fries’ renamed ‘Crow Fries’

Filed under: Humor,Iraq,News,Politics — secretmojo @ 7:22 pm

WASHINGTON, D.C – In the ongoing attempt to use the Capitol Hill menu as an artistic expression of Congressional angst, House Administration Chair Vernon J. Ehlers (R-MI) announced two revisions of menu entries today in a press conference: Crow Fries and Your Words Toast.

“I figured we’d be eating them anyway, so why not keep it real?” said Ehlers.

Back in March, 2003, representatives Bob Ney (R-OH) and Walter Jones (R-NC) announced that the fries in the Capitol Hill cafeteria would no longer be called “French,” but “Freedom,” in protest of France’s love of dictators.

But now, that spicy name tastes different.

A food service worker at the cafeteria explained: “We requested they consider a different word than ‘freedom’ because Congressmen, who don’t have good memories, saw ‘Freedom Toast’ and belligerantly accused our servers of liberal sarcasm that belittled their rhetoric on Iraq. We had to remind them on many separate occasions that we do not control the name of the items; they do. Lot’s of stale fries laying around. Lots of stale fries.”

Contrary to popular understanding, creative menu names outliving their time period at Capitol Hill is nothing new. In the nineties, a particular salad dressing was named “Blue Dress Delight.” When Reagan was in office, reps could enjoy an appetizer named “Ain’t fraid of Grenada Tomata,” and during Nixon, patrons could eat a “Victory Sandwich” or a “Washington Toast.”

What does come as a surprise, however, is the self-deprecating honesty of the new entries.

The spokeswoman for Bob Ney explained. “In a forty-hour session, they debated the pros and cons of renaming the fries Belgium Fries, since that’s where they came from in the first place. Rejected Quagmire Fries outright. They also considered Gotta Crack a Few Eggs to Make This Toast. But in the end, they decided on ‘crow’ to showcase their innate humility, sensibilities of humoresqueness, and how we are all one of da people, dig?”

Future appellation plans include renaming the cafeteria itself to “Box of Hungry Buttheads.” But the project is encountering resistance in the approval process over whether it should be phrased “Hungry Butthead Oasis,” to win the hearts and minds of Arabs.

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