Secret Mojo Dumbs It Down for You

October 24, 2006

Congress to do nothing between elections

Filed under: Humor,Politics — secretmojo @ 1:56 am

A new bill passed in the Senate last Friday, the Stabilized Lawmaking Or Temporary Hiatus Act, modifies Congressional rules to restrict Capitol Hill activity to only the seven days after an election.

“The partisan politics were killing us,” said Sen. McCain, cosponsor of the bill. “It seemed like every time a bill came to the floor, somebody disagreed with it. Debate became a litany of pro-this, con-that. It’s almost all you heard on the floor! It was time for a change.”

But debate itself wasn’t so much the issue as the public’s malleable perception of it, said many senators.

Citing the enormous influence that voting records, floor speeches, policy mistakes, and committee conclusions have on elections, senators passed the SLOTH act quickly and nearly unanimously to “allow voters to vote their conscience, without us politicians getting in their way,” said McCain.

The bill does allow for calling emergency sessions during the “hiatus” period of nearly two years, provided that no objections are voiced questioning the timing, result, issue, or source of the session. But because the debate of any bill has the chance of creating dissent and influencing voters, it’s expected that emergency sessions will be a rarity.

“We have removed the corrosive influence of governance on our nation’s elections,” said Sen. Feingold in a press conference at 2 a.m. on Sunday. “The American people can now vote in confidence, knowing that there will be absolutely no valid reason to vote for or against their candidate.”

Other senators could not be reached for comment, as they said they were now “off-duty.”

The act also raises Congressmen’s salary by $20,000.

August 25, 2006

Knitting with power tools

Filed under: Humor,Knitting,Power tools — secretmojo @ 5:22 am

[I’m knitting a hat for Made By Hand. And I’m an idiot. Which means you can do it too!]

I think I speak for all the knitting men in the world — because I am all the knitting men in the world — when I ask “where are the power tools?” Where’s the cast-on machine? The skein maker? The gauge measure? Some of these have been made, for sure, but it seems they don’t get much market out there in a woman-dominated craft.

I believe that one of the key differences between women and men is that women can enjoy living within constraints, knowing that being clever and improving technique will remunerate lack. Men, on the other hand, will see possibilities just like women do, but instead of honing skill to create a better product, will build a tool for it. The Chip Clip was invented by a guy, for example. Chicks already knew to use clothespins.

Furthermore, if knitting were a male activity, extensive energy would be dedicated to improving every tangible element of it. Most yarn would contain Kevlar. Computer programs would calculate, via “string theory,” any conceivable pattern. Nanotech (“GrabMaster™”) needles would be all the rage today, advertised like five-bladed razors: a taut, sexy woman touches — ever so lightly — the tip of His needle, gets a tickle, then shines a coy, sensual look at her Chisel-Chin Man, “knitter extraordinaire,” whom, after athletically binding off, she tackles in a fit of primal lust.

To prove that men want (in fact need) more tools for everything, allow me to confess pictorially.

I grabbed a spare pair of chopsticks (free, with food) for research purposes:

chops.jpg

As you can see, I’ve cast on about 15 stitches. I’ll use these sticks with straighter yarn to understand the topology of my hat in a more pristine environment.

However, I couldn’t knit very well. First of all, the chopsticks were not sharp enough to dig between stitches. Secondly, the wood kept binding to itself, creating stutter, screwing up my rhythm.

Solution?

(more…)

August 17, 2006

Google executives to receive sensibility training

Filed under: Humor,Technology — secretmojo @ 11:15 pm

The estate of Milton Sirotta, who at nine years old coined the term “googol,” yesterday offered to fund sensibility training to Google executives on the proper way to claim a word.

The sensibility training will be held in a facetiously titled “Googolplex” conference room in California, and will include presentations such as “Linguistic Morphology,” “Your Name as a Verb Is Free Advertising, you Moron,” and will end with a retrospective: “What Was a Photo Shop?”

After the presentation, Google executives will be invited to purchase such items as “the color red,” “elbow grease,” and a genuine $10100 deed signed by Mrs. Malaprop and her author, Richard Brinsley Sheridan, which transfers, despite its French etymology, ownership of the word “malapropism” to them.

August 15, 2006

Well, since I read it seven times already…

Filed under: Humor,writing — secretmojo @ 5:25 am

… I might as well post Fencer’s comment in full. It was “ministrations” where I lost it, and started laughing like a fool.

This is a little off-topic but I really appreciate those two personages who are part of your title bar.

It seems that there is some kind of phrenology thing going on. Yesterday, there was a calmer aspect to the image. The seated (?) recipient of the phrenologist’s ministrations appeared to be sanely contemplating whatever consequences the bumps on his head were leading to.

Today we find the poor fellow’s head on fire! What means this? Or is it that the magisterial phrenologist’s fingers are aflame? With knowledge? With passion? With… knitting?

In any case I’m enjoying the expression on the face of the standing figure without being able to articulate what the expression is… but it looks like he knows what he’s doing, whatever it is.

UPDATE: how remiss of me. Here is fencer’s blog.

August 10, 2006

Some blogs don’t stage too well.

Filed under: blogging,Humor — secretmojo @ 1:18 am

Some blogs make for great live theatre.

Others don’t.

****
Whiskey Bar

KOWALSKI: (screaming at Stella) Factoring in a moderate amount of body count inflation on the IDF’s part, that looks like a 3:1 kill ratio! (three Hizbullah fighters for every Israeli!) or maybe even a bit lower!

Boing Boing

SHELLEY LEVENE: I’ve tried several different ways to play my computer’s MP3s on speakers around the house, but each one fell short in some significant way. Either the wireless range was too short, or it interfered with my WiFi, or the system’s controls and interface were so clunky that it was too much of a hassle to use.

Cursor

ROMEO:

But soft!, What light through yonder window breaks!
USA Today reports that “Congress
Appears ready to slash funding for the
Research and treatment of brain injuries
Caused by bomb blasts, an injury that
Military scientists describe
As a signature wound of the Iraq
War.”

Schobliezer

TORVALD: (as Nora leaves) Niall Kennedy leaves Microsoft, he announced today on his blog. That’s a bummer.

What’s in Rebecca’s Pocket?

NINA ZARIETCHNAYA: What beautiful stories he writes! Fiction with mathematical plots or subplots can be found here: http://math.cofc.edu/kasman/MATHFICT/mfbrowse-pubyear.php

August 8, 2006

U.S./France ceasefire prop incites pundits to not call it “an obstructionist flip-flop of the highest order”

Filed under: Humor,Israel/Lebanon,Politics,war — secretmojo @ 12:37 am

When the U.S. joined with France to introduce a draft text for a ceasefire in the Middle East, a non-nonplussed Sean Hannity did not say, “We always came to expect this from a flip-floppin’ Prez.”

“And to flip-flop with France,” Hannity didn’t continue, “it’s just. It’s just embarrassing.”

Not sparking a rare reversal of their support of the president’s rejection of a ceasefire, right-wing pundits didn’t show a break from the situational ethics they tended to embrace in the past.

“Bon jour America,” Jonah Goldberg never said, “we have been conquered by cheese eaters.”

Around the blogosphere, right-wing sites joined in a chorus not against the president, one commenter not claiming that the president “had betrayed the ideals of Americans, and can consider himself a traitor, or rather, traître.”

Even Ann Coulter had a biting essay she didn’t write on the matter: “It becomes clear that the godless Monsieur Bush has now drifted to the Parti Socialiste, offering diplomatic bon bons to an impotent Nations Unies like a desperate housewife trying to win favor with a feral cat. I’m not saying we should poison the champagne at the White House, but it’d be an interesting test of both loyalty and alcoholic relapse, don’t you think?”

Charles Krauthammer, neither, attacked the proposal viciously in his non-recent article, “Why the French Act Isn’t Funny Anymore”, not blasting the French as a “second-class power” and the president as “an obstructionist” for kowtowing to international pressure to stop the violence in the Mideast.

To be sure, Rice, Bush, and Cheney will have hell to not pay with their conservative stalwarts in medialand. David Limbaugh, Mark Steyn, and David Brooks have yet to not weigh in on the matter. The dangerous act of nestling up to both the French and the UN will certainly prove in the days ahead that principles always stand before politics.

Not.

August 3, 2006

‘Freedom Fries’ renamed ‘Crow Fries’

Filed under: Humor,Iraq,News,Politics — secretmojo @ 7:22 pm

WASHINGTON, D.C – In the ongoing attempt to use the Capitol Hill menu as an artistic expression of Congressional angst, House Administration Chair Vernon J. Ehlers (R-MI) announced two revisions of menu entries today in a press conference: Crow Fries and Your Words Toast.

“I figured we’d be eating them anyway, so why not keep it real?” said Ehlers.

Back in March, 2003, representatives Bob Ney (R-OH) and Walter Jones (R-NC) announced that the fries in the Capitol Hill cafeteria would no longer be called “French,” but “Freedom,” in protest of France’s love of dictators.

But now, that spicy name tastes different.

A food service worker at the cafeteria explained: “We requested they consider a different word than ‘freedom’ because Congressmen, who don’t have good memories, saw ‘Freedom Toast’ and belligerantly accused our servers of liberal sarcasm that belittled their rhetoric on Iraq. We had to remind them on many separate occasions that we do not control the name of the items; they do. Lot’s of stale fries laying around. Lots of stale fries.”

Contrary to popular understanding, creative menu names outliving their time period at Capitol Hill is nothing new. In the nineties, a particular salad dressing was named “Blue Dress Delight.” When Reagan was in office, reps could enjoy an appetizer named “Ain’t fraid of Grenada Tomata,” and during Nixon, patrons could eat a “Victory Sandwich” or a “Washington Toast.”

What does come as a surprise, however, is the self-deprecating honesty of the new entries.

The spokeswoman for Bob Ney explained. “In a forty-hour session, they debated the pros and cons of renaming the fries Belgium Fries, since that’s where they came from in the first place. Rejected Quagmire Fries outright. They also considered Gotta Crack a Few Eggs to Make This Toast. But in the end, they decided on ‘crow’ to showcase their innate humility, sensibilities of humoresqueness, and how we are all one of da people, dig?”

Future appellation plans include renaming the cafeteria itself to “Box of Hungry Buttheads.” But the project is encountering resistance in the approval process over whether it should be phrased “Hungry Butthead Oasis,” to win the hearts and minds of Arabs.

August 1, 2006

Global warming saves on gas: How to cook an egg

Filed under: baking,energy,Food,Humor,recipes,Weather — secretmojo @ 10:09 pm

Ingredients:

1 Egg
1 Tbsp Cooking Oil
1 Cookie Sheet
A hot frickin city

First, go to one of the places in pink, or in a pinch, one in red:

weather_us.jpg

If you are in Europe, you can go to any of the cities marked yellow below:

europe_temps.jpg

Always check your cooking temperature first:

tempurature.jpg

Lightly grease your cookie sheet with oil, and place it on a level surface outside around noon. NOTE: You do NOT need a grill. I did place mine next to one, but only to make him feel impotent:
egg_1.jpg
Crack an egg onto your cookie sheet, and wait about 2 hours:

egg_3.jpg

DO NOT STAY OUTSIDE WATCHING YOUR EGG, unless you wish to die.

egg_4.jpg
You can salt and pepper as you like, but unless you are stupid like me, don’t eat it. At 99°F, The yolk skin acquires a tough cardboard-like hide, and the whites are —what’s the word?—viscous. Just plain gunky. Perhaps a trip to Heat Wave, Kansas could fix that…
egg_finished.jpg
Enjoy the globally delicious weather!

July 31, 2006

How to redefine words so you smell more like roses, and less like crap

Filed under: Humor,Israel/Lebanon,News,Politics,rants — secretmojo @ 2:26 pm

Here’s a guide for those of you who, as facts come in regarding Lebanon, need stronger cognitive shielding (hat tip to Curtis, who’s always a fine read, but gets this one wrong). While not as succinct as “War is Peace, Ignorance is Strength, Freedom is Slavery,” it’s still a delightful romp into the benefits of self-defined cult language: Ceasefire is Surrender, Civilians are Combatants, Disproportionate is… Kickin’ Ass!

Pretty soon the semantic divergence will be so great that I’ll ask a conservative friend to “pass the salt,” but he’ll hear “appease the chemical weapon.”

Then he’ll start yelling about “taking the fight to them,” and I’ll be all, “huh?” and he’ll be like “Don’t treat me like I’m stupid,” and I’ll say, “whatever,” and reach for the salt.

Seeing the brisk movement of my arm, he’ll take a swing at me, and I’ll say “calm down, buddy, what the fuck’s gotten into you?” and he’ll be all “NO CEASEFIRE!” and I’ll again be like “huh?” and he’ll grab me by the shirt, puff up his chest, and scream “I’m sick of your ‘huh’ accusations!” and heave the table aside in massive clatter.

And the salt will explode all over, I’ll get pissed and tackle him, he’ll bite my earlobe and I’ll gouge his eyes. We’ll both be arrested, and, since he’s got a cop friend, I’ll get jail time for assault.

Then, months later, he’ll moan alone to a bartender, adjust his eye patch, and tell the sorry tale of how good our friendship used to be until, one day, I freakishly attacked him out of nowhere when he politely asked me to pass the salt.

July 28, 2006

Secretary Rice fandangles riverrun Jabberwocky

Filed under: Humor,Israel/Lebanon,News,Politics — secretmojo @ 10:49 am

Secretary Rice Canerdling with the Girmack SplenderlouslikeU.S. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice did some stuff in the Middle East this week. She also said shit, moved around a bit, and met with dudes.

In Rome, she delivered a speech about junk and other crap alongside that guy from Lebanon, who talked about various bullshit. Rice promised to “Do more whatchamacallit to enhance things and bring a long awaited rapeteta to the Middle Whatever.”

In the midst of an escalating war between Israel and Lebanon, and mounting civilian casualties, Rice rushed to the Middle East after 13 days of conflict to briefly meet with various Guys and Hominas and discussed a plan for “getting somebody to eventually do something when the situation has properly thingamajigged.”

Despite the U.S. demand of a “never cease firing” resolution at the U.N. Security Council last week, Secretary Rice says she “hope[s] of an eventual end to whatever is so crazy and, like, ‘birth,’ you know.”

Asked whether Rice will return to the Middle East after going to Malaysia, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow answered, “Why’s that? I think she pretty much wrapped it up over there. Weren’t you paying attention earlier?”

Next week, Rice plans to return to Washington, where she will regroup before taking a tour to South Korea to talk about the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, to Singapore to address human rights, a short visit to Russia to develop diplomatic relations, and a trip to France to deliver a small seminar on Financial Viability in the Modern Age to various EU organizations.

But first, she says she’s got “pivotal Middle East gimcrack to canoodle in Kuala Lumpur, and, you know, whatever.”

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