Secret Mojo Dumbs It Down for You

August 25, 2006

Knitting with power tools

Filed under: Humor,Knitting,Power tools — secretmojo @ 5:22 am

[I’m knitting a hat for Made By Hand. And I’m an idiot. Which means you can do it too!]

I think I speak for all the knitting men in the world — because I am all the knitting men in the world — when I ask “where are the power tools?” Where’s the cast-on machine? The skein maker? The gauge measure? Some of these have been made, for sure, but it seems they don’t get much market out there in a woman-dominated craft.

I believe that one of the key differences between women and men is that women can enjoy living within constraints, knowing that being clever and improving technique will remunerate lack. Men, on the other hand, will see possibilities just like women do, but instead of honing skill to create a better product, will build a tool for it. The Chip Clip was invented by a guy, for example. Chicks already knew to use clothespins.

Furthermore, if knitting were a male activity, extensive energy would be dedicated to improving every tangible element of it. Most yarn would contain Kevlar. Computer programs would calculate, via “string theory,” any conceivable pattern. Nanotech (“GrabMaster™”) needles would be all the rage today, advertised like five-bladed razors: a taut, sexy woman touches — ever so lightly — the tip of His needle, gets a tickle, then shines a coy, sensual look at her Chisel-Chin Man, “knitter extraordinaire,” whom, after athletically binding off, she tackles in a fit of primal lust.

To prove that men want (in fact need) more tools for everything, allow me to confess pictorially.

I grabbed a spare pair of chopsticks (free, with food) for research purposes:


As you can see, I’ve cast on about 15 stitches. I’ll use these sticks with straighter yarn to understand the topology of my hat in a more pristine environment.

However, I couldn’t knit very well. First of all, the chopsticks were not sharp enough to dig between stitches. Secondly, the wood kept binding to itself, creating stutter, screwing up my rhythm.




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